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I Was Numb and Desperate for a Better Life
She blamed herself for losing her father's love, and spent 19 years hungering for the love she had missed.

My walk in life began August 5th, 1986 in London, Ontario. I was born into the typical family—mom and dad with their beautiful first child! However, this image of family was quickly disrupted when my parents divorced.

Sara Lindsay

I lived with my mom and went to visit my biological father on regular weekend visits. However, on one weekend I traveled to visit him, he was gone and left nothing except the silent acknowledgement that I was not something he cared enough to have in his life anymore. That day, on the front steps, I felt like a failure. I had failed at the most natural love a child knows; the love from a parent.

The loveless void and feelings of failure that day left me with a scar I carried throughout childhood and high school. Starting high school I thought that being popular would make people love me for my accomplishments and active involvement in my school. Well, becoming president of my high school and runner up as prom queen didn't do the trick. The awards, handshakes and applause all seemed fake and insignificant. I was searching for something, but popularity wasn't it.

Again, I decided to try a new approach to finding acceptance and love. I traveled across Canada to the University of New Brunswick. I fell into the average student's life of parties. I started drinking with my friends five to six nights a week and believed that feeling nothing was better than feeling alone. I reached an ultimate low when I experimented with drugs and developed a controlling relationship with food to further escape the loneliness I was feeling.

During Christmas break of 2005, I looked around at the world I had created for myself. Shouldn't I be proud? I was exactly what every other 19 year-old was! I had also spent the money allotted for tuition on alcohol and was skipping half my classes each week because I was hung over. Not only had my wallet emptied, but I felt emptier than I had ever felt before. I was numb and desperate for a better life.

When I got back to school, I finally said yes to a friend who had been urging me to go on a Christian retreat with her. God does work in mysterious ways, because that weekend I admitted my sins and dedicated my life to Christ. That weekend I stopped in my walk of life and started my walk for God.

It was no surprise that when I heard about Alpha in January 2006, I didn't hesitate to join. I had a zillion questions and even more doubts, but I knew that Alpha was going to do great things in my new life as a new Christian. And it did!

The videos were great in answering my questions, but it was in my small group sessions that I learned the most. It was there that I learned about the love for which I had searched for 19 years of my life … the Lord's love. His love is unconditional. The Lord loves us and has chosen us to be His children.

Going to Alpha made it clear that the false popularity, drinking, drugs and food could not give me what I was searching for so hopelessly. Alpha taught me to stop being scared, and instead of running away from my problems, to run right into the always open and always loving arms of Jesus. Jesus has wrapped His arms around us and promised never to let go. What an awesome God!

In my time of desperation and at my ultimate low, Alpha answered my questions and allowed me to see the Lord's truth and unconditional love. Alpha has forever changed my life.

Sara Lindsay is a student at the University of New Brunswick.

Originally published in Alpha News, Fall 2006.




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