Skip Navigation Links
Seeking God?

Visit this room to find out more about God

I Wanted to be Special
She had rejected church, but couldn't resist God's love.

I lost count of the schools I went to as a child. With a father in the air force, our family moved constantly from one base to the next. I went to four different high schools. Perhaps this lack of roots, and being the eldest of six, were the reasons why I never truly felt loved.

… these people had something that I didn't, and I wanted it too.

As a young person I was drawn into the church by different personalities—by people who somehow made me feel special. This would make me feel good about myself for a while, but people can also disappoint you, and in the end, I rejected church and God, along with those very human people who had let me down.

When I married, I began to view God through my husband's behaviour. Poor John, he isn't perfect; so again, I was disappointed. John and my daughter Susan, who was four at the time, went to church regularly. I went once in a while, to keep them off my back. But one day, John pressured me to join him in an interdenominational Bible study group which was meeting in a friend's home. I don't like being told what to do, but nevertheless, I agreed to go.

On the first night, John was away working and I was forced to go alone. I wasn't too happy about it and arrived reluctantly to find 40 people singing and praising God. The music was wonderful and I felt something special there. I argued with myself all night but my conclusion was that these people had something that I didn't, and I wanted it too. At the same time I felt pulled to get out of there. When a woman next to me said a beautiful prayer, I felt she was talking about me and I thought everyone else knew it. I wanted to escape; yet I felt God was speaking to me through her. I sat glued to the chair.

As soon as the study was over I edged my way to the door, only to have it blocked by the leader. He was gentle, but firm: "Have you made a commitment to Jesus?" he asked. "Well, no," I answered. "Would you like to?" he persisted. I mumbled something about needing to study the Bible first and learn more. "Do you believe in Jesus?" he asked gently. "Yes," I said. "I do believe He died for me, but … "

We continued talking quietly in the corner while others left. My heart was wide open; only my will was in the way. Thank God, the leader could see this. I then heard a voice across the room ask: "Are you married?"

"Yes, I am."

"Did you learn all about marriage before you got married?"

"No, I had faith in John's love for me … " Suddenly I understood. All I needed was faith in God's love for me. I took a deep breath and surrendered my will and my pride.

I no longer felt alone and I felt loved for the first time in my life.

When the leader and I prayed together, I felt a warm feeling cover me from head to toe. I felt the Blood of Christ cover me at that very moment. I experienced the assurance inside that if I had been the only person in the world, He would have died for me. In His sight I was loved and special. His Blood had made me clean. The empty hole I had been carrying around my whole life was suddenly, gloriously filled.

I did become a new person that night. I had peace within, I no longer felt alone and I felt loved for the first time in my life. There was a lot of healing to follow and it continues to go on now, and for the rest of my life. But for several months I just wanted to read the Bible and nothing else. It came alive in my hands and God spoke to me through His Word. I went to every Bible study and, for a while, I even lost interest in pottery, my life's passion.

Then one day while I was praying, I felt God speak to me saying: "I have given you a gift and I want you to use it in the world. Put Scripture verses on every piece of pottery you make and continue to teach." From that day, I returned to my teaching and creating pottery. A Scripture verse is inscribed on each piece. There are times in my life when I feel I don't have a right to put them there. But I know for certain that although I may stray from Him, He will never, never leave me. He is the Potter—I am the clay.

Barbara-Joy Peel lives in Haliburton, Ontario where she teaches pottery. She and her husband attend Haliburton United Church.

Originally published in the Fellowship Magazine, April 1996.




Visit our Marketplace

Support the EFC ministry by using our Amazon links